Why is the past still here?

"We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us." from the film Magnolia (1999)

Recently a friend emailed me and a few others something that brought us to a place in our past. It has been over twenty years since we experienced these things. Some view what happened as good and helpful, while others feel it created great harm. It is funny how people can have completely different experiences from the same events. There is anger, humor, sadness, and sarcasm, and the fear that those who brought this to us are reading this right now and shaking their heads and feel sad for how far I have "fallen" off the path.

Recently I was talking with a friend that told me he, at one time, felt called to be a pastor. From the outside he is far from that endeavor. He told me he went to a Christian College and got kicked out because he looked different than most everyone there (long hair, etc...this was around 10 years ago). He got this look on his face..."I still hear that voice back there in the back of my mind." He has a haunting from his past that will not let him go.

We all have truly painful things that happened to us, some are more tragic than others. Some have a hard time facing the day because of an event that took place 30 years ago. Why will the past not just move on? Why will the past not just let go?

Why is the past not done with us?

Some would say to let go of the past. To not dwell on it and give power to it. Focus on the now, or the future. Maybe that would be helpful. But what if the past was trying to tell us something about now, or the future? What if it is the doorway to our desires and the things our heart cries out for? What does your past tell you? In the case of my friends, I think it says that we truly want to experience God, the God we came to believe in, without all the bullshit and dependence on myself to make that happen. That God is bigger than a daily quiet time, and scripture memory. That he enters into our story in a much larger way than through "discipline". That his spirit is active and dangerous and is moving in our lives. That it truly is supernatural.

I don't know about my "Called to be a pastor friend", he will have to answer that question himself. It may not be the answer for all of our pain from the past, but does it hurt to ask? When we feel contempt for the past, should we ask, "What is it about that event, that makes me so angry? Why?" What does it tell you about what was taken from you? What does it reveal about what your heart desires? Maybe we could walk down this path with some friends along. That is what the friends mentioned above and I have done for a number of years now. I think we are experiencing something greater. We are seeing desire revealed and embraced. Sure we still get angry or sad about those days, but those are just steps on the path to revealing more of our hearts.

I guess I'm not done with the past after all.

Jack

church like wine

I was sitting in this great little french restaurant with my wife in Oklahoma City of all places (Soliel...try it...it is very good). I was sipping a burgundy from france and just enjoying the flavors and complexity when I had a thought. There was a time that I did not like wine, especially red. I grew up catholic and on sundays I would take communion and I always hated the taste of the wine (or perhaps it was the taste of Jesus' blood...as it had transubstantiated by the time I tasted it). But over the last ten years I have come to really enjoy and even have a love for red wine. It is funny because as I sipped I remembered those sips as a child, and my thoughts turned to church.

I thought how the catholic church had been a round a long time and had very complex beliefs, history and ecclesiology (a fancy word for how they do church...I went to seminary can you tell??) I still go to with my mom to church on occasion. I think I can appreciate the catholic church more now than I did back then. So this whole idea got me thinking about church. It seems as I look around evangelicalism (the place I called home for many years) there is a lot of bud light being served and drank in churches these days. And you know there are times that a bud light hits the spot (although I have to admit I can't think of the last time I wanted one). But it seems that most churches around me, and actually evangelicals as a whole, have lightened everything so much, they are not endanger of getting drunk on the spirit any time soon. There is no mystery, no wonder. "We have the bible, it has all the answers...so sit right back and take a sip...we will explain it all to you." A bud light requires nothing of you.

So where does that leave me...as far as church goes I have no idea, but I do know there is a brewery in town that makes an ESB. It is carmel in color and starts of bready sweet but finishes with a hoppy bitter finish. It is my favorite right now. I guess the church I want is a microbrew. but don't be fooled...Blue Moon is a popular microbrew...brewed by coors. Soon we will see all the big churches serving, or at least trying to serve microbrews...maybe that's it...everything just got to big for me. I want a place to live out the simple life of malts, yeast, hops and water.

I'm heading to the pub...

Jack