Friday, January 19, 2007

Why is the past still here?

"We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us." from the film Magnolia (1999)

Recently a friend emailed me and a few others something that brought us to a place in our past. It has been over twenty years since we experienced these things. Some view what happened as good and helpful, while others feel it created great harm. It is funny how people can have completely different experiences from the same events. There is anger, humor, sadness, and sarcasm, and the fear that those who brought this to us are reading this right now and shaking their heads and feel sad for how far I have "fallen" off the path.

Recently I was talking with a friend that told me he, at one time, felt called to be a pastor. From the outside he is far from that endeavor. He told me he went to a Christian College and got kicked out because he looked different than most everyone there (long hair, etc...this was around 10 years ago). He got this look on his face..."I still hear that voice back there in the back of my mind." He has a haunting from his past that will not let him go.

We all have truly painful things that happened to us, some are more tragic than others. Some have a hard time facing the day because of an event that took place 30 years ago. Why will the past not just move on? Why will the past not just let go?

Why is the past not done with us?

Some would say to let go of the past. To not dwell on it and give power to it. Focus on the now, or the future. Maybe that would be helpful. But what if the past was trying to tell us something about now, or the future? What if it is the doorway to our desires and the things our heart cries out for? What does your past tell you? In the case of my friends, I think it says that we truly want to experience God, the God we came to believe in, without all the bullshit and dependence on myself to make that happen. That God is bigger than a daily quiet time, and scripture memory. That he enters into our story in a much larger way than through "discipline". That his spirit is active and dangerous and is moving in our lives. That it truly is supernatural.

I don't know about my "Called to be a pastor friend", he will have to answer that question himself. It may not be the answer for all of our pain from the past, but does it hurt to ask? When we feel contempt for the past, should we ask, "What is it about that event, that makes me so angry? Why?" What does it tell you about what was taken from you? What does it reveal about what your heart desires? Maybe we could walk down this path with some friends along. That is what the friends mentioned above and I have done for a number of years now. I think we are experiencing something greater. We are seeing desire revealed and embraced. Sure we still get angry or sad about those days, but those are just steps on the path to revealing more of our hearts.

I guess I'm not done with the past after all.

Jack

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